These Vampire Fish Are Falling From The Sky In Alaska So I Guess I'm Never Going There

CBS News- Over the last week, the Alaska Department of Fish and Game (ADF&G) has gotten some strange calls from Fairbanks residents seeing scary looking fish dropping to the ground from above. “The local Value Village store found a live lamprey in their parking lot,” ADF&G reported on its Facebook page. “Another resident called and said he found one on his lawn!” It was surely a scary surprise. Looking more like eels or snakes than regular fish, lampreys don’t have scales or fins and can grow to 15 inches long. Instead of jaws, an adult lamprey has a disk-like mouth filled with small, sharp teeth. Adults clamp their mouths onto other fish, then use their teeth and tongues to rasp through its scales and skin to feed on its blood and fluids. The lamprey releases and drops off after the meal. Some fish die from the attacks, but in many cases they survive, according to the Fish and Game department.

I actually wouldn’t mind visiting Alaska.  It seems like a cool place.  The way I envision it is there’s towns dedicated to doing nothing but wrapping yourself up in giant winter jackets and drinking dark beers until you can’t feel feelings anymore.  That’s something i’m very interested in.  And you can see the Northern Lights and I’m pretty sure they go months at a time without sunlight.  TOTALLY down for that. Epic naps.  I also had a weird obsession with the Iditarod in elementary school and wanna check that out.  Well not anymore.  At least not until these nightmare fish stop dropping outta the sky.  Did you read the description of these vampire fish?  Let me run it back one more time for you

Adults clamp their mouths onto other fish, then use their teeth and tongues to rasp through its scales and skin to feed on its blood and fluids.

PASS.  Hard pass.  The quickest way to cross you off my list of Places I Want To Visit is to have vampire fish who use its tongue to “rasp” through other living things to feed on their blood and fluids.  No fucking thanks.  Not to mention that picture.  It looks like it has an eye in there just scoping out whose fluid their gonna munch on next.  If you think that one is bad, there were others that I decided not to put in the blog because we’re friends here.  But it’s DISGUSTING.  So a little heads up to Alaska, if you want tourists to visit your slice of land way the fuck up there, I suggest figuring out why these monsters are falling on people’s heads.

PS- Seriously though, I wanna go to the Iditarod so figure this thing out.  Thanks.